My most awkward dance at work
If you’ve ever been to an office Xmas party and reflected the next day that perhaps your drunken and impromptu Justin Timberlake impression with Nicole from accounts was probably somewhat awkward and inappropriate then spare a thought for poor Chantelle here.
She had made a last minute decision to do some exotic dancing for the bikers on the Isle of Man during TT week to earn a bit of cash for her upcoming family holiday for her dad’s 50th. On her third night, in the midst of some pretty athletic pole gyrations, in walks her dad with a group of his friends who’d secretly arranged a boys trip to the TT for him for his upcoming birthday. After she’d spotted him to say she felt a little awkward would be something of an understatement but being a professional she could do nothing but continue until the song finally finished.
She’d managed to avoid making eye contact with her father and his group but as she departed the stage after picking up her meagre elements of clothing from where she’d cast them she could hear someone shouting for more. Fat chance of that she thought as she pondered the more pressing question of how to tell her dad what her job had really been for the past couple of years.
I was just looking for something else on my computer when I come across this rare image of the younger half of id-iom actually doing some work! I know because I took the shot. Any pics that you may have previously seen showing him doing something that looks like work will undoubtedly have been staged or digitally generated using Photoshop. What’s more incredible is that he’s also up a small pair of steps (which are just out of shot) so that makes the whole thing doubly rare. He doesn’t like using ladders at the best of times. Even small ones. If only I could remember what had driven him to such extremes. Perhaps I was suffering from whooping cough or the more dangerous man flu at the time. Who knows?
I’d love to have thought this was an actual bit of street art but, alas, I think it’s just a weird sign. I still thought it deserved a spot in ‘Other People’s Graffiti’ though for the mental image it creates. A ju jitsu car park? A car park in which one must perform in a series of ju jitsu fights in order to win the right to park? Or one in which you may park freely but ju jitsu trained warriors will perhaps jump you on your way to the ticket machine? I’m confused. You’ll be happy to learn we didn’t have the car with us at this point. Things could have got ugly.
This kid has had 13 ASBO’s slapped on him this month – and it’s only the fifth of June! He just doesn’t care and it seems he’s collecting ASBO’s like they are going out of fashion. So far he’s had them for the following (amongst others as yet unspecified):
- littering and dumping rubbish outside his local dry cleaners (apparently related to his misuse of the fabric softener)
- A constant misuse of fireworks (including using them late at night)
- Shouting and noisy behaviour in places where this might be annoying or upsetting (e.g. outside someone’s house). This I have a personal experience of.
- Using rude, abusive or insulting language to pretty much anyone especially the old or infirm.
- Threatening behaviour or bullying – including on the internet, mobile phones or other electronic media (whatever you do don’t let him borrow your phone or laptop).
- Uncontrolled and dangerous animals – he has 3 feral rabid rabbits that he takes with him everywhere
- Joyriding or using vehicles in an anti social manner (for example blocking access, noisy radios, wheel spinning); abandoning a vehicle – he especially likes pulling donuts at traffic lights.
- Excessively drinking alcohol, alcohol related trouble or buying and selling drugs in the street – yes to all above.
- Begging – he has such a sweet face (not).
As you can see he’s already got a tattoo of this achievement definitely making him the ASBO king and probably not an ideal next door neighbour.
Pssst! Wanna hear a story?
Peter here used to work for the council maintaining the parks and green spaces. He was good at his job and stuck at it for 22 years until the council streamlined their financing and outsourced park maintenance to a private company. After a lengthy period of unemployment Peter now grows what is undoubtedly the finest cannabis in the Rhondda Valley. Hooray for Peter!
Our portrait of Potfingered Pete makes him look a little sinister but then for the last few years he’s lived by the motto ‘old age and treachery beats youth and exuberance’ and who’s to say he’s wrong. On A4 and made using the magic of watercolour, acrylic and pencil. Drop us a line if interested…
The Danse Macabre
You’re at the ball, you look absolutely stunning, you’re dancing with the most charming partner ever and then suddenly he whispers in to your ear ‘We come from dust; we return to dust.’ and you suddenly realise this is your last dance. The sudden realisation brings images layered upon reality, your partners hands start to deform, his face suddenly showing the sallow bags of decay under his eyes. You’re freaking out, realising the end is so very close but all of a sudden a calmness enters your body and you decide to take death out on the floor for one last dance. The reason for this calmness was a film from the late 80’s that pops in to your head – Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. The line “You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you dance with the reaper.” calms your soul leaving you to enjoy the last dance of you life.
What can you say about Mr Tommy Funstuff that hasn’t been said before in a million sordid tabloid stories from here to Timbuktu. That he stole the family jewels of the New Hampshire’s Montague Smythe’s only to give them back as a birthday present the very next day, that he’s the only man to circumvent the globe in a paper aeroplane, that he swam across the Atlantic with nothing but one broken flipper and a tobacco pipe filled with newspaper, that he is in the Guinness book of records as the man with the most amount of thimbles for pygmy marmosets but alas you’ll of heard of all of these exploits many of times before. Perhaps though by painting this picture of Tommy i can create a new story and get Tommy to help me fulfil my quest to ski across the back of an inflatable orange whilst simultaneously juggling a trio of miniature schnauzers dressed as business men. I certainly know It’s something within his sphere of expertise. Here’s to hoping…
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