Just the other day Marcus was told that he looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. They thought he’d had some sort of surgery to make him look like one of the anime characters he was so fond of watching all the time. In fact, they were surprised to even see him out and about as he was usually glued to a screen watching the latest adult cartoons from around the world.
Marcus would have loved surgery but sadly he didn’t have the cash for it. What he did have money for though was a mystery baggie from Dangerous Dave down the pub. He’d only popped in for a pint on Monday when they opened back up but had been up for two days now and was still somehow looking fresh. What’s the moral I hear you ask? Well, that’s for me to know and you to find out.
The other half of id-iom told me just the other day that I should probably stop drawing men with big noses and I thought he was probably right as I have about 20 half-finished pictures sat around featuring men with big hooters. But then I did an about turn.
With inspiration running low and no idea of what to paint I was staring vacantly out the window when my eyes refocused – and what did I see but my own face complete with statuesque Roman nose staring back at me. That was enough to get the creative juices flowing, so I quickly set to work on my latest self portrait. Something I said I’d never do again after my last attempt which resulted in ‘High Risk Hugo’.
This time things haven’t gone much better, it would seem I still have a penchant for making my face look more like a horror movie monster than what I actually look like or perhaps all these months of lockdown have been getting to me.
Also I spent far too long painting the colours in the background but I guess I’ve had some time on my hands.
Ever felt the need to paint an ugly man-child who’s looking at you like you just spilt his pint? I can’t imagine you have so I’ve gone and done it for you. Kev here is angry pretty much all the time at just about everything imaginable – from the cost of a pint to how people cross the road. If you see him whilst out and about it’s much easier to give a cheery wave and carry on your business for if you’re unlucky enough to engage him in conversation you’ll understand why the cheery wave is the preferred scenario.
His anger for so many things simultaneously is both impressive and depressing in its magnitude. The main thing is to extricate yourself from the conversation as swiftly as possible before his ire manages to get under your skin. If you find yourself agreeing with him then the best thing is just to drop to the floor and play dead then hope he’ll get bored. You have been warned…
I think I might go and have a cup of tea and reminisce about all the walls at the old studio that I didn’t manage to paint.
It’s dawn on id-iom’s private Caribbean island. There’s a soft knock at the door and I’m gently reminded that I’ve got a call in 30 minutes. After a couple of lengths in the pool and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice I take the video call from the BBC documentary team chronicling the eventual but meteoric rise of id-iom to being the pre-eminent design/art team in the world. Today we’re being asked about the big idea that took us there – 3 in 1 designs…
It’s not that far fetched. Is it? Anyway, despite how great I think they are it’s up to you, the viewer, to decide that for yourself. It’s 3 in 1 performance art on a canvas. And if that isn’t a good trick then I don’t know what is. This rather opinionated gentleman is on a 60 x 40cm canvas and would desperately love to go to a new home. Drop us a line if that can be you…
Things have been getting a little weird since lockdown. The intense boredom and general anxiety mix together in some odd combinations. In order to combat this I thought a self-portrait may be in order. I was wrong.
Looking at the paper in front of me I saw myself staring back or at least some facsimile of me – but things just weren’t quite right. The head too elongated, the nose too small but the dead, lifeless eyes I seemed to have got just right.
Then I realised it wasn’t really me but that unflinching dolt High Risk Hugo. A stain on society if ever I saw one. A man who on his good days was more like Chuck Norris on flakka trying to chat up your girlfriend but on his bad days the social equivalent of someone slipping a dead slug in your mouth and holding it shut.
I’ll not be doing another selfie anytime soon. We don’t need to let that particular cat out of the bag…
Sometimes things just don’t turn out like you expect. It was a particularly dismal and rainswept day when the other half of id-iom popped out of the studio to get lunch but came back with the classic board game, Twister (think Jack and his magic beans…)
I was somewhat put out by this manoeuvre as I had been daydreaming of a Greggs sausage roll for close to an hour. I quickly demanded to know what exactly what he thought was going on but all I got in return was a whirring noise and the repeated phrase ‘Left foot first’…
I’m sure we’ve all heard of the red mist? It is the feeling of extremeanger that temporarily clouds one’s judgment and can arise given a variety of conditions and depending on the individual.
Sometimes it’ll occur when some over-entitled male tries to mansplain something like the dark side of the Moon and how it is tidally locked to Earth when the woman is a world renowned astrophysicist with numerous awards and accolades under her belt on many far ranging subjects infinitely more complex than the simple geophysics this mouthbreather is attempting to explain.
Or perhaps simply encountering a mime. That would also do it.
Last time we met time-travelling warrior poet Azrael Goldbeard he was in his undercover human form sometime in the 1970’s but since then he’s mistakenly jumped to 2019 Brexit Britain and it has got him well and truly wound up. He’s not thinking of a spiffy haiku now but has reverted to his powered up warrior form as he can sense the awesome amount of negative energy all around him.
His beard is now composed of pure energy and his eyes are literally leaking the power of a dwarf star. We can only hope he decides to put this energy to good use rather than taking off and nuking the entire site from orbit and hightailing it back to the 70’s. I, for one, welcome our new galactic overlords…
I struck up a conversation the other day with a man who had more than a passing resemblance to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have enough tact not to start a conversation with such a glaring statement but the similarities between them were uncanny with the same large red nose, massive teeth and incredibly long face. To tell you the truth it looked like one of the plastic joke ones given out for Comic Relief but, of course, I didn’t say that either. Instead I struck up a conversation about O’Neill cylinders in an attempt to bamboozle him, hopefully leading to a mild sense of confusion so that he would lower his defences and I could hopefully find out if he was actually somehow related to the famous reindeer.
I won’t bore you with the ensuing small talk but I did eventually find out that his name was Rosacea the red nosed human and he came to have such a big red nose due to a chance meeting he once had with a drunk fairy who thought it would be funny to make a human version of Rudolph. Over the years Rosacea hasn’t found it that amusing however…
You’re probably not going to believe me but Gregor here used to be a top influencer on Instagram for this stunning good looks and perfect quiff but things have begun to go downhill rather rapidly for him.
It all started innocently enough. Gregor was studiously going through his daily beauty regime and was plucking a rogue nostril hair when he caught his own eye in the mirror. Taken as he was with his own reflection he gave himself a cheeky wink and it all escalated from there. Now he only has time for his own reflection. He’s given up posting on Instagram but sits staring at himself for hours on end. He will occasionally smile or wink at himself while he whispers unintelligibly into the mirror. What will come of him I hear you ask? Well if you know anything of Greek mythology then you’ll know that the story of Narcissus doesn’t end well for the person concerned…
On A4 and made using Charcoal, pencil, paint pen and acrylic, drop us a line if interested.