The other half of id-iom told me just the other day that I should probably stop drawing men with big noses and I thought he was probably right as I have about 20 half-finished pictures sat around featuring men with big hooters. But then I did an about turn.
With inspiration running low and no idea of what to paint I was staring vacantly out the window when my eyes refocused – and what did I see but my own face complete with statuesque Roman nose staring back at me. That was enough to get the creative juices flowing, so I quickly set to work on my latest self portrait. Something I said I’d never do again after my last attempt which resulted in ‘High Risk Hugo’.
This time things haven’t gone much better, it would seem I still have a penchant for making my face look more like a horror movie monster than what I actually look like or perhaps all these months of lockdown have been getting to me.
Also I spent far too long painting the colours in the background but I guess I’ve had some time on my hands.
I struck up a conversation the other day with a man who had more than a passing resemblance to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have enough tact not to start a conversation with such a glaring statement but the similarities between them were uncanny with the same large red nose, massive teeth and incredibly long face. To tell you the truth it looked like one of the plastic joke ones given out for Comic Relief but, of course, I didn’t say that either. Instead I struck up a conversation about O’Neill cylinders in an attempt to bamboozle him, hopefully leading to a mild sense of confusion so that he would lower his defences and I could hopefully find out if he was actually somehow related to the famous reindeer.
I won’t bore you with the ensuing small talk but I did eventually find out that his name was Rosacea the red nosed human and he came to have such a big red nose due to a chance meeting he once had with a drunk fairy who thought it would be funny to make a human version of Rudolph. Over the years Rosacea hasn’t found it that amusing however…
After our enforced spring clean we were left with a few canvases that were in no fit state to be sold but not quite damaged enough to be binned. Hmmmm… What to do?
Well we finally decided to give them a quick update then find them a new home on the sweet streets of Brixton complete with one way security screws to ensure they had a chance of staying put…
First up we have Fernando who is an inveterate teller of fibs. He once stopped an old lady in the street and proceeded to tell her the story of the time he saved a herd of unicorns from an angry stray cat who just so happened to be the size of a small horse by making a rudimentary laser pointer out of a toilet tube, some elastic from his underpants and a single match.
The old dear listened for just a few seconds and from nowhere suddenly pulled out a magic wand and mumbled some magic words. Fernando hadn’t yet noticed but, obviously, his nose began to grow as he kept talking but the old lady didn’t care, she just ambled away to the shops. What’s the moral of this story? You’ll just have to work it out for yourself…
There we were thinking we’d taken up just about all available wall space at the studio when we moved a set of shelves to reveal yet another bit of pristine wall lurking behind them that was just asking to have some paint thrown at it. This new bit of wall was facing Tell Tale Signs that we’d painted last week and we decided that she could do with some company. As they are on opposite walls and the lady from Tell Tale Signs has a surly look and a red nose we thought we’d give her counterpart a nice blue nose so they can some kind of Liverpudlian stare-off until the bulldozers move in…
Well, it’s true! Nobody does like a sad clown. Clowns are contradictory enough as it is with their fake smiles and cheery alcoholics’ red noses. You don’t need one crying (even if it is a little girl) just to sour the milk further. I, for one, have never really liked clowns. Lion tamers – yes! Contortionists – yes! Trapeze artist – yes! Clowns – NO! But maybe that’s just me.
Anyway we had found a spare wall so thought we’d give some freehand a little go. Now whilst i’m not entirely happy with the outcome i’m not totally dismayed either. Hopefully we’ll be moving onto bigger and better things. Eagle eyed readers will spot my attempted freehand bit of lettering in the girls hair – which looked a lot worse before we went over it! It looks kind of neat there…
Since we came up with the DUCK! piece a short while back i haven’t been able to get Disney characters off my mind. This time it’s Pinocchio that receives the id-iom treatment…
I had thought ‘BLUE – A life in the movies’ to be a biopic of the life of Pinocchio charting his early rise to fame following the Blue Fairy bringing him to life, a tragic lost period in his late teens and his monumental return to (adult) movies following a minor bid of body modification at the hands of a highly skilled Italian woodcarver.
I’ve clearly got an overactive imagination as i had Pinocchio’s life all worked out… After being a child star for Disney and enjoying all the trappings that would have come with it I imagined that Pinocchio would have had a few years of coke fuelled paranoia living in Hollywood whilst failing to get role after role as he was too typecast and the fact that “there isn’t all that much demand for sentient puppets anymore” – apart from maybe some seriously demeaning kid’s TV work. After a failed comeback on Big Brother or some similar reality TV show he’d slowly slip off the world’s media radar and spiral into a few years of failed relationships, drug abuse, debt and anonymity. Then, after a debauched weekend with an old friend they finally come up with what, even at the time, seems like a ridiculous and outlandish idea – that Pinocchio should take advantage of his old friend’s contacts, get a nose job and then start making some serious money again. He’s just desperate enough to give it a try and so one week after his return from Italy (where he’s been for surgery) he makes his triumphant come back to movies – this time of the pornographic variety. His rapid ascent to the zenith of the adult entertainment industry takes everyone by surprise and before he knows it he’s churning out porno’s at a prodigious rate and his star is once again in ascendancy. Before long he is a bonafide celebrity again and even Ron Jeremy concedes that he’s certainly ‘Got wood!’
I could keep going on and I’m sure i could actually come up with a decent script for this film (the visuals and adwork are clearly already done). I’d love it to be some kind of animatronic and/or animated tour de force. Basically i’m pretty sure it won’t be long till i’m working in Hollywood…
Keen eyed readers will (i’m sure) have immediately noted the use of part of the Electric Blue logo for the title of film (for those few uneducated readers that don’t know Electric Blue was a soft core porn show that was made in the UK and was shown on the Playboy channel in the 80’s) and therefore also the use of the Playboy bunny logo on Pinocchio’s top. The ‘Got wood?’ tagline was perhaps my favourite touch though as surely all the creatives in Hollywood couldn’t have come up with anything better for this film! As with DUCK! and Oswald the Unlucky Rabbit I would love to see this film get made…
Finally, on the art front, I just love working on the found bits of wood. It obviously works well for this particular piece as he’s a wooden puppet that comes to life but they are just really nice to work on generally and have a great weathered look to them. Now i’ve just got to get them framed to give them that final touch.
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Title: Disney’s ‘Blue – My life in the movies’ starring Pinocchio
Media: Hand cut stencils and spraypaint on found wooden board
Size: 57 cm x 21 cm
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