Please be standing for the King of all Things, Jasper Augusta Gibson. Not much is known about the self proclaimed King of all Things other than what can be found on his TikTok account. He claims ownership of all things both big and small. This apparently includes you, me, animals, metal, the air – literally everything! He claims to have ridden over the mediterranean in a small basket carried by many thousand ladybird. He reckons he’s the strongest man ever to have been born. There are many other bold claims he has made. The problem with the internet is that people are starting to believe him.
Jasper was created as a little thank you for one of our customers. I wish him well in his new home but hopefully that’s the last we hear of him…
We like treating our customers to a little thank you when they buy something from us and just the other day we slipped Marty the Citrus King into one such parcel. Marty is a dolt of epic proportions but it just so happens that he is also very photogenic. Just look at that grid. Piercingly beady eyes, stunted cauliflower ears and a nose reminiscent of an inverted ski jump are just some of the distinguished facial features that Marty sports. Good luck to him!
Eva had quite a different lockdown to the rest of us. Rather than just collect her furlough money and play Xbox for months she decided to better herself. Through some decidedly dodgy forums she found a place in Russia that would help you to improve your mental skills in 3 months or your money back. And we’re not talking Sudoku or crosswords here we’re talking telepathy, psionic abilities and telekinesis.
Now she could move objects with her mind and bend others to her will and she was really quite looking forward to her upcoming chat with her boss about pay and a possible promotion…
In reality Eva has been languishing in development hell for the last 3 years. She was started and never completed until recently the Muse gave me the nod to get this Eva finished. The application of some gold, some wavy black lines and some carefully placed splodges of black ink was all it took but I’ve found it’s better not to rush these things.
Simply this piece is about the time a woman came up to me to tell me I had an easily forgettable face, the absolute cheek of it. I demanded to know what made her think such a thing.That was a mistake as she then proceeded to list numerous things that she deemed led her to the belief that my face was forgettable. I stood there for 45 mins before she came to the end of her rant. I just didn’t know that someone could berate you for your facial features or lack thereof for so long. Luckily I had my phone out at the time as I was using it to transcribe some of my musings and managed to get nearly 976 well thought out insults that I can now use in any situation. Lets just hope no one on twitter gets on the wrong side of me, otherwise the list is coming out…
I’m no expert on 3D so imagine my delight when I came across a magic drawing pad that would turn my doodles into 3D – or so it proclaimed. Admittedly my experience with 3D is limited. Once at the cinema many years ago and my own two eyes. That’s about it.
Now I realise it’s not going to suddenly turn it into a fully rendered 3D model exactly but I was expecting a little more than it gave me…
The bird-like nest on top of Diane’s head is actually her hair after just 2 sips of white wine after work on a Thursday. She intends on doing the whole bottle. She knows she has work again tomorrow but she just doesn’t care. That’s working from home for you. She read online that she can now change her hairstyle digitally using the magical power of her computer. If she can only work out how it all works then her next Zoom call should prove a little more interesting and perhaps Phillip from Marketing might finally take some notice. If not she’s going to send him a virus from a made-up but believable email address and see how he likes that instead…
Have you ever looked in the mirror and been scared stiff with what is staring back at you? Marjorie has and she’s still reeling from it.
She thought she had the look of a powerful business woman from the 80’s, instead she looks like the reanimated corpse of a long dead Margaret Thatcher – whom I suppose was a woman of power in the 80’s – but it was disconcerting all the same.
The weird thing was after stepping away from the mirror Marjore could still feel the ex-Prime Minister’s presence and the feeling never left. Majorie has learnt to embrace the situation and now has a private investigations firm called ‘Paranormal PM PI’. She hasn’t had many jobs yet but she’s sure Maggie’s malign presence will surely come in handy soon. It’s early doors for these two. Watch this space…
It is A5 in size and made using pencil, fine line pen and triblend markers
With the lockdown easing it’s now time for the government to introduce ‘bubbles’ – and no, we’re not talking Michael Jackon’s reanimated chimpanzee.
Bubbles are defined as a group of people with whom you can have close physical contact. From Saturday, in England, single adults living alone – or single parents whose children are under 18 – can form a support bubble with one other household.
Now if you think this seems that the government are legitimising what the Dutch call a ‘seksbuddy’ then I think we’re on the same page. The other half of id-iom is always a little suspect when I paint nudes. He usually says the image has little meaning other than the pornographic and because of this I have loads of sketches of nudes. Only when I can shoehorn it into a good write up does it ever get past editorial and here is the government just dropping it in my lap. Not really sure why i chose watercolour as the medium for this one, i’m not particularly adept at using it. Practise makes perfect I suppose.
It is A4 in size and made using the magic of imagination, watercolour and pencil
Step 1 – Find an old pencil sketch of Muhammad Ali that your dad did back in the 70’s in your auntie’s kitchen and decide that you want to do your own version of it. Attempt to find the reference photograph that he must have used but fail. #ali #muhammadali #mohammadali #mohammedali #stencil #art #contemporary #mural #paint #painting #wall #london #overcomplicated #sketch #70s #modern #street #urban #graffiti #lockdown #stepbystep #instructions It turns out Ali has been photographed thousands of times over the years and the internet is not particularly helpful when you can’t be very specific. No problem. You’ll just have to make the detail up yourself.
Step 2 – Using the arcane skills you’ve learned over the years turn the original sketch into a wall sized stencil and then apply to your wall in black. So far so good. This is easy.
Step 3 – After much deliberation about colour and the general direction you want the picture to take you decide on a nice bright red and go with the wallpaper with the hidden morse code message and sit back to admire your handiwork. You leave it overnight and decide to come back tomorrow to see if you’ve actually finished…
Step 4 – Have a harebrained idea about taking this piece next level by having it as three murals in one and then proceed to attempt to make this idea a reality. Constantly question whether it will work or just be an immense waste of your time. Add some detail to the hair area then try to take some classy shots. This could be as good as it gets. Really go for it and include the cat if you can and any other arty shots you can manage.
Step 5 – Apply tape to half the wall and then recolour the background in a vague approximation of the colours of the Islamic flag to denote his membership of the Nation of Islam in 1964 and his name change from Cassius Clay to Muhammad Ali. Your idea already sounds pretty highfalutin but you’ll go with it all the same.
Step 6 – Add some white to the background then, using your meagre skills at skin tone and having no reference pic to go from (other than the photo of your dad’s pencil sketch), colour the face in and try to make it look at least a little convincing. Hmmm. You’ll have to try a little harder than that.
Step 7 – Fuss around for ages trying to get the skin tone looking at least a bit more believable. That’s a bit better. Best to stop now before you go too far. Admire your handiwork and take another pic. That’s two murals down. There’s no turning back now.
Step 8 – It’s reveal time! Find the ends of the tape that you applied to the wall in Step 5 and yank that stuff straight off the wall. You’re now officially a performance artist.
Step 9 – Now you get to see if your plan actually worked. Admire your handiwork and take a few more pics. Job done. Congratulations. Then it’s time to wonder if anyone has done this kind of thing before or if you’ve finally found your thing. Think about this for approximately five minutes before your attention is diverted by the next shiny idea to pass through your brain.
There’s not much to say about Vlad the Impaler’s great nephew apart from the fact that he is a major disappointment to the whole family. Everyone expected him to take over where his uncle left off but in this new world full of modern marvels he seems more interested in playing Fortnite than the casual impaling of thousands.
Another reason why he doesn’t want to get into the old family business is due to the case of chronic asthma which he‘s had since childhood. If he ever finds himself outside he pretty much needs a respirator pumping albuterol straight down his gullet.
If recent news stories are to be believed though he might be causing untold suffering just by going outside and breathing due to the fact that inhalers have an incredibly high carbon footprint.
So as to not be a continuing disappointment to his family he has used his vast bitcoin wealth to buy up all the companies who supply the more environmentally friendly dry powder inhalers so he can run them into the ground. His great uncle would perhaps be proud after all. And he can stop that spinning in his grave malarky…
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