How do you feel when you look at yourself in a mirror?
Jennifer here had been doing a triple shift at a local 24hr convenience store to try and get some extra cash in for Christmas when an incredibly handsome man walked in with the biggest pair of mirrored shades she had ever seen. The only thing she could do was to stare into the abyss that was her own reflection.
Jennifer suddenly realised that she hadn’t slept properly for at least 72 hours and, my god, did it show on her face! The customer with the mirror shades had seen this reaction many times before and tried to help her out of this downward spiral.
Quickly, before she could crumple to the floor and start crying, he started singing a melody so sweet and angelic that everyone in the shop stopped what they were doing and just listened.
As soon as the song had finished everyone in the shop came out of their reverie and realised that the man had already left. It was only then that Jennifer saw that he had left the exact change for his bottle of Lambrini. Here ends the lesson.
This kid has had 13 ASBO’s slapped on him this month – and it’s only the 18th of November! He just doesn’t care and it seems he’s collecting ASBO’s like they are going out of fashion. So far he’s had them for the following (amongst others as yet unspecified):
littering and dumping rubbish outside his local dry cleaners (apparently related to his misuse of the fabric softener)
A constant misuse of fireworks (including using them late at night)
Shouting and noisy behaviour in places where this might be annoying or upsetting (e.g. outside someone’s house). This I have a personal experience of.
Using rude, abusive or insulting language to pretty much anyone especially the old or infirm.
Threatening behaviour or bullying – including on the internet, mobile phones or other electronic media (whatever you do don’t let him borrow your phone or laptop).
Uncontrolled and dangerous animals – he has 3 feral rabid rabbits that he takes with him everywhere
Joyriding or using vehicles in an anti social manner (for example blocking access, noisy radios, wheel spinning); abandoning a vehicle – he especially likes pulling donuts at traffic lights.
Excessively drinking alcohol, alcohol related trouble or buying and selling drugs in the street – yes to all above.
Begging – he has such a sweet face (not).
As you can see he’s already got a tattoo of this achievement definitely making him the ASBO king and probably not an ideal next door neighbour.
Title: The ASBO King
Media: Acrylic, pastel and paint pen
With scientists discovering a new planetary system, Trappist 1, with a few planets that within the so called ‘Goldilocks zone’ (neither too hot nor too cold to support human life) this lady was somewhat fixated upon this news and was pondering what it could all mean for the human race when suddenly a light appeared in the sky above her. The light pulsed and expanded and then disappeared. And just like that, she was gone too.
I know because I saw the whole thing. What exactly it all means I’m not too sure. I think it was probably the men in black. All I know is I’m not giving it too much thought. Just in case. I don’t want something strange happening to me too…
Title: Something strange
Media: Watercolour, pencil and acrylic
Legend has it that shortly after Crawley was made a borough in 1974 the newly anointed mayor was presented with a modified coat of arms and a piece of art – both bearing Crawley’s motto ‘I grow and I rejoice’ (which, as I’m sure we all know is a translation of a phrase from the Epistulae of Seneca the Younger). The coat of arms has always been on display at the Town Hall whilst the art disappeared shortly after it’s initial presentation in somewhat murky circumstances during a drunken pub fight.
After investing a significant amount of time and effort in research and archaeology id-iom is proud to announce the recovery of this historically important document. It was discovered stuffed down the back seat of a decaying Ford Cortina. The people of Crawley can now rejoice however as the the art will soon be reunited with the coat of arms and the prophecy that has long been foretold may now come to pass.
Well, that’s my story and i’m sticking to it…
Title: I grow and I rejoice
Materials: Stencil, spraypaint, screen print & paint pen
Now I’m not entirely sure if we’ve ever mentioned the dandy but enigmatic man that is Roche Bobois before but I’m certain we’ve never, thus far, mentioned his boorish and arrogant half brother Nathaniel. For all that Roche has on the positive side of life it would seem his half brother is something of a inverted mirror image. Whereas Roche is dashing, brave and charming the same can definitely not be said about Nathaniel. He’s already seen the inside of a gaol cell more times than an entire family of pickpockets. Oh, and did I mention that he’s mad? Quite as mad as the Mad Hatter himself. He’s arrested for public nudity and pleasuring himself with inanimate objects as much as he is for public intoxication and fighting.
Although you shouldn’t feel sorry for him. He’s had every opportunity to better himself but it seems he’s pretty much bad to the core and even seems to take some perverse pleasure in the whole sordid affair. It just goes to show there is a very fine line between good and bad. Anyway I’m not sure why but I got this portrait whilst he was being detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure. It was just before he started eating a moth…
Title: Nathaniel Bobois – the half brother of Roche
Materials: Paint pen, acrylic, ink, pastel, spray paint and charcoal
What do you do when your only goal in life is to join the Army but for some reason or other they just won’t let you in? What he was actually after was to be able to wear camouflage without everyone taking the mickey out of him. Whether he dons desert, arctic, forest or urban camo he just can’t get a break and people ridicule him for his obsession. What is a man meant to do when all he wants is to wear camo?
Well you could do what Tony here did and progress from just wearing camouflage to becoming camouflage. Tony became so good at it he would just melt in to his surroundings so no one could see him at all. ‘So how did you manage to paint him?’ I hear you ask. Well, let me tell you. I was in the studio playing around with some watercolours when out of the corner of my eye I was sure I saw something move. I know a thing or two about and the game of hide and seek and having had an exorcism just one week previously I knew it wasn’t a ghost. I did the only thing I knew which was to stay impossibly still and play the waiting game with this sucker. After almost 4 hours the game was mine due to Tony blinking whilst i was staring at the paint splattered wall in front of me. Artistic super powers of observation for the win.
It is A4 is size and made using the magic of watercolour and charcoal.
Now if you’ve ever fallen off your bike at great speed you’ll know that screaming a few expletives is a great way to stop thinking about the pain. If you manage to really hurt yourself the best advice i can give you is to ‘Scream for all you’re worth’ and keep doing it, as apart from a magic plaster it is the best way to sort out any injury. But then again I’m no doctor…
Title: Scream for all your worth
Materials: Spray paint, paint pen and charcoal