My most awkward dance at work
If you’ve ever been to an office Xmas party and reflected the next day that perhaps your drunken and impromptu Justin Timberlake impression with Nicole from accounts was probably somewhat awkward and inappropriate then spare a thought for poor Chantelle here.
She had made a last minute decision to do some exotic dancing for the bikers on the Isle of Man during TT week to earn a bit of cash for her upcoming family holiday for her dad’s 50th. On her third night, in the midst of some pretty athletic pole gyrations, in walks her dad with a group of his friends who’d secretly arranged a boys trip to the TT for him for his upcoming birthday. After she’d spotted him to say she felt a little awkward would be something of an understatement but being a professional she could do nothing but continue until the song finally finished.
She’d managed to avoid making eye contact with her father and his group but as she departed the stage after picking up her meagre elements of clothing from where she’d cast them she could hear someone shouting for more. Fat chance of that she thought as she pondered the more pressing question of how to tell her dad what her job had really been for the past couple of years.
This kid has had 13 ASBO’s slapped on him this month – and it’s only the fifth of June! He just doesn’t care and it seems he’s collecting ASBO’s like they are going out of fashion. So far he’s had them for the following (amongst others as yet unspecified):
- littering and dumping rubbish outside his local dry cleaners (apparently related to his misuse of the fabric softener)
- A constant misuse of fireworks (including using them late at night)
- Shouting and noisy behaviour in places where this might be annoying or upsetting (e.g. outside someone’s house). This I have a personal experience of.
- Using rude, abusive or insulting language to pretty much anyone especially the old or infirm.
- Threatening behaviour or bullying – including on the internet, mobile phones or other electronic media (whatever you do don’t let him borrow your phone or laptop).
- Uncontrolled and dangerous animals – he has 3 feral rabid rabbits that he takes with him everywhere
- Joyriding or using vehicles in an anti social manner (for example blocking access, noisy radios, wheel spinning); abandoning a vehicle – he especially likes pulling donuts at traffic lights.
- Excessively drinking alcohol, alcohol related trouble or buying and selling drugs in the street – yes to all above.
- Begging – he has such a sweet face (not).
As you can see he’s already got a tattoo of this achievement definitely making him the ASBO king and probably not an ideal next door neighbour.
For this commission the only instruction I was given was ‘bees’. Now that is the kind of commission I like. And this is what you get. A dwindling global bee population can only be bad news for puny humans as the bees pollinate an awful lot of the crops and flowers that we depend on for food. Without them we are somewhat doomed so it’s probably best if we take a bit better care of our little insect cousins and make sure they can continue doing their job. And, as a big bonus, they also know how to make honey (which the crystal resin on the picture is meant to represent). Without that we’d be left with wasp gravy and you wouldn’t want that on your morning toast.
Whilst making our way through sunny Streatham we chanced upon the boards we painted for the Streatham Food Festival last year that were still in place. There’s a couple of minor tags and what seems to be a lot of white paint that has been thrown at it. On closer inspection it would seem that the main culprit in defacing our picture is, in fact, the pigeons that live on the guttering above and have deposited their thoughts on the piece from on high. It would indeed seem that everyone is a critic.
Good morning, Mister Zip-Zip-Zip,
You’re surely looking fine!
Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust,
If the Camels don’t get you,
The Fatimas must.
Here we have some pretty interesting lyrics taken from 1918 ragtime classic ‘Good Morning Mr Zip-Zip-Zip’ where ‘Camels’ and ‘Fatimas’ are apparently references to cigarette brands that were popular at the time. The tune was a favourite with US soldiers during the World War 1 era and was available as sheet music for piano, band, orchestra and male quartet as well as for talking machine or player piano.
Just why the muse demanded I juxtapose this with a rather racy looking young lady clutching a couple of water pistols you’ll have to work out for yourself. It’s laser engraved on wood then hand painted and stands proud at 39 x 26cm. Drop us a line if you’re interested…
Quelle surprise – Phil Collins doesn’t really listen to music. I would imagine he ingests it in some entirely novel way that your average man on the street wouldn’t even be able to fully comprehend. Maybe he senses it using his musical intuition or perhaps he experiences it through bone conduction whilst floating in a pool of saltwater while small fish gently nibble his skin. Who knows? All I know for sure is that internet informed me of today’s out of context Phil quote. He apparently said it at some point and that’s more than good enough for me.
Anyway, I’ve juxtaposed his quote with a rather sultry looking supermodel. Once you’ve liberally sprinkled a couple of pilfered logos in and adorned it with a green & red background then you’re good to go with another successful ‘No context required’ piece. It’s laser engraved on wood then hand painted and stands proud at 39 x 26cm. Drop us a line if you’re interested…
Other People’s Graffiti (Cranking Edition)
For today’s instalment of Other People’s Graffiti we’ve got a genuine treat for you. This one has it all. I saw it and thought ‘Instant classic. Definitely one for other people’s graffiti’. The artist is unknown although indubitably deserves props for such a well considered masterpiece. It has both idea and execution nailed. What more can I say?
Filed under art, funny, Graffiti